Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what