Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I can also cook 😂
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.