DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans