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Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“Wait, let me explain..”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
It do be feeling this way.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.