I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Art by Pastelkatto
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Incredible customer service.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope