“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
me: my friends:
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.