“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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I feel it
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
ME (calling my horse with no name):
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple