“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My dad.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
💻🤡
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*