Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius