A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
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Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!