How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
oh you wanna fight?!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
This kid will have a bright future.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
uncle dave has been through hell
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.