Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”