If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
not to brag, but mine was free
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?