*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
i’m sure it’s fine
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.