I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
When libraries troll their patrons.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.