My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume