You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I did not eat the cake…
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.