November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
You Might Also Like
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
This could’ve been an email.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.