You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I think the cat got the dog high.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician