I ate everything, including the H.
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Not helping
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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