Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Every house has this drawer
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.