[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.