[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”