My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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No regrets in 2018
Current mood: Potato
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
this is funnier than any friends episode
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed