“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
You Might Also Like
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Happens to everyone.
buys donuts instead
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes