sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.