This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.