People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
You Might Also Like
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together