My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I drew y’all a little something.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.