Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
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Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.