7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money