*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.