Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
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Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I bet birds love this building.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.