Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.