Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
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Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.