ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I’m calling the cops.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person