If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Bros before Ohioes
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I really had high hopes for this year though
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”