I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.