During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Beauty and the Beast
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter