“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.