You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Bless you
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.