11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
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My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
what kind of cook setting is this??
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade