Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The three genders.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too