“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
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If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine