I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
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ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.