I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !