Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
bought wrong eggs
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM