man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.