My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I only eat vegetarians.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.