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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.